Simple? hah.

I should have said bitterly complex.

I will state the following:
1) I know I'm moody. Therefore,
2) I can be hard to put up with.

Aside from these, I know a few other things about myself, that make it difficult to be my friend. I'm extremely stubborn, mouthy, and emotionally-needy, but I think I might have found the reason. Or, a possible source. I'll never say the bad sides of my personality are justified, but I do believe there can be a reason for how I act sometimes.

I know everyone has a time or two in their life when they go through something that changes how they either perceive or react to people. The cases of mine were in middle school.

I've always believed that you should stay true to yourself. If you make a mistake yourself, you learn from it, and blame yourself. And if you never take a risk, you have yourself to blame for your regret. I've always held this believe with my crushes or interests as well.

To sum up a long story, I was bullied out of a relationship by some other people at school, and wouldn't let my friends advise me on who to date. So, I decided for myself that I'd date this guy, and lost a bunch of my friends because of it. School was hell, and I cried a lot. It was basically war between my large group of friends, and my ex-boyfriend and I. Most of it was the typical middle-school drama, but it still scarred me. I think it's stupid to lose friends over relationships, even though, now, I understand what it's like being on the other side of that scenario, I still feel this way. No matter how it hurts, you still need a friend.

I lost my best guy friend in sixth grade. Middle school drama basically broke his heart, I didn't know he liked me, and he ended up moving away. In the same year, my best friend of three years ended up slowly disowning me. We started talking again, somewhat, this last year in high school.

I think her pulling away from me was what hurt me the most. I didn't understand how, or why, she would just leave me like that. I still love her to death now, but I couldn't understand why she'd tell me she'd come over one minute, and then never show up, or flake out of things. It hurts when friends disappoint you, and I'm certainly no saint, yet I can't comprehend friends not being friendly toward one another.

I've been moodier than usual lately because I'm having a rather large misunderstanding with one of my friends. My best friend of... six, seven years now? We always fight, and have tedious arguments, but I'm scared of losing her, and I'm even more scared that she's pulling away from me. I don't think she's trying to, but it feels like it.

This is where my head kicks in. I'm not sure if I'm over-thinking it, or what, but it's like she's a different person to me. I can't understand how she changed so suddenly. It seems as though she changed over one day's time. I know it's not true. I know people change. I know friends drift apart.

I want to cry sometime anyone says, "Just let her go."

I can't, and I won't.

Maybe I'm just too needy. I like it when people try to cheer you up by saying, "Oh, you're not depressed, nothing's wrong with you. But....you are just a litttleee to needy. And moody.. Oh, don't forget..." etc., etc., etc. That's the best way to cheer someone up guys, by pointing out their faults.

Perhaps I am too emotionally-needy. I still remember when Tine told me that I'm just an "Emotion person." It's too true. Generally, I'm very empathetic, and I try to understand people. Even now, I can try to see both sides. I'll admit, I can't see her side too clearly, but it doesn't mean I don't try. I try to be open minded. I try to be optimistic.

I really don't understand why I'm hurting so much over all of this. I probably am making a bigger deal out of it than it really is.

But I want my best friend.

I don't know what to think of the "current" best friend.

Am I living in the past too much? I try to accept change, but this is too radical.

I don't know what's going on. I don't think I've changed that much...

What's going on with me?